School soon will be out for summer, throwing many college students back into the nest for a three-month break. Break? you ask.
"Summer vacation doesn't have to feel like an eternity for a college student and his family," says Randall Flanery, Ph.D., associate professor of community and family medicine at Saint Louis University and the father of 10.
"Families can enjoy their time reconnecting as long as everyone realizes that the dynamics of the relationship have changed. The teenager who left for college in the fall has returned in May as a young adult."
The driving force in the relationship is not control. It is courtesy and consideration, says Flanery, a psychologist.
"If parents think they'll be able to enforce a curfew, they're in for a disappointment," he says. "Once a student has been in college, she's probably too old to ground."
But that doesn't mean she can come and go without telling parents where she's going, when she'll be back or how to reach her.
"She needs to treat Mom and Dad with the same degree of courtesy as anyone else she's sharing living space with," Flanery says. "There's no reason a parent or a child should lie awake at night, worrying that a family member might not be safe."
Young adults have responsibilities as well as privileges, Flanery says.
"Do they have to get a summer job? Of course," he says. "Do they have to help out with household chores? Of course. They're part of the household, not visitors, and everyone needs to make a contribution."
They may not be expected to unload the dishwasher, get dinner started or take out the trash when they're home for a brief respite over Thanksgiving or Easter. "But if they're living at home for a few months, it's time for them to give back. It's all about mutual respect."
While families might have to work a bit to iron out the new wrinkles in their relationship as adults under the same roof, the results are worth the effort, Flanery says.
"Children -- even those who have reached adulthood -- need a secure place to return to. Home is the secure base where they come back and get themselves anchored and refueled before they go out and face the challenges of becoming fully adult."
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