Newswise — As college students head home for Thanksgiving dinner with their families, a Gettysburg College counselor is serving up advice to make the meeting a meaningful one.
Kathy Bradley, a licensed psychologist and director of health and counseling at Gettysburg College, said that the root of most problems or disagreements between parents and their students during holiday breaks is a "clash in expectations."
"Parents may have it in mind that their children are coming home to spend four days with them and isn't it going to be lovely," Bradley said. "And students have it in mind that they are going to go home, do their laundry and reconnect with their friends from high school. One of the first things that often happens is parents feel disappointed or angry because they were really looking forward to spending time with their student."
Another point of conflict is that sometimes parents feel as if their student's personality has changed and they are not the same person they were before leaving home. Bradley explained that it is not their personality that has changed but rather their level of independence.
"Students return home to a situation where the family has the same expectations that existed prior to leaving for college. But the student has had two or three months of independence without being chaperoned by their parents," Bradley said. "That clash of expectations can produce some pretty significant conflicts and disappointment for both sides. For example, parents still think the curfew is midnight, but their student is used to having no curfew."
Bradley also talked about stress, which increases this time of year for families as the expectation of having the "perfect holiday" grows.
"I think of stress in terms of quantity, such as filling up a glass. If our normal stress level has the glass half full, additional factors will move it towards the spilling point," Bradley said. "Our kids returning home, having to cook a big dinner and expectations of the perfect Thanksgiving fills the cup so our tolerance for changes or anything unexpected is very low. We have a lot less give than we would ordinarily."
But Bradley does not want parents to throw in the towel, order Kentucky Fried Chicken and allow their students to run wild this holiday season. She has some advice that will help both parents and students make the most of their time together.
"Parents should ask themselves, 'What is my expectation and how is it going to work?' and then clarify that with your student. Parents should ask, 'Have you thought about how you are going to spend your time? I would like to get a clearer sense of when you will be here and what other plans you have,'" Bradley said. "Then it is a good time to say, 'Just a couple reminders. I know you are accustomed to your independence but let me remind you that I still expect you to be home by this time, and if not I expect a phone call. I know it is different in college but at home this is the expectation I have for you.' And negotiate the amount of time spent with family versus friends. If parents and students have a clear and realistic set of expectations with one another, the visit home will be an enjoyable one for all."
Bradley is a licensed psychologist and director of health and counseling and associate dean of college life at Gettysburg College. Her background is in acute assessment and care, psychodynamic therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, dialectical-behavioral therapy, psychological assessment and neuropsychological assessment.
Gettysburg College is a highly selective four-year residential college of liberal arts and sciences with approximately 2,600 students. It is located on a 200-acre campus adjacent to Gettysburg National Military Park in Pennsylvania. The college was founded in 1832.
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