The Family Way
1. Enter into family gatherings with realistic expectations. The holidays can bring both high expectations and high stress - a holiday recipe ripe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Be pleasantly surprised if your challenging loved ones are on good behaviour.
2. Avoid major disclosures and conversations: timing, timing, timing. If you have something major to share with loved ones like plans for separation/divorce, relocation, disclosure about sexual identity, or you have a major conflict in a family relationship, talk about it well before or after holiday gatherings. If you anticipate that a loved one will bring up a "hot" topic, prepare something you can say to politely redirect them - "How about we talk about that later, Uncle Joe? This isn't the best place or time to discuss," and remove yourself from the exchange.
3. Take care of yourself. The hustle and bustle of the holidays can squeeze out exercise, spending quality time with supportive others, sleep, etc. Schedule things that you really enjoy to reward yourself for dealing with difficult family times (e.g., massage the day after the family gathering).
4. Don’t self-medicate. Avoid drinking too much alcohol, especially at family gatherings. It might seem like it will take the edge off, but alcohol can also disinhibit you to say something that you later regret.
Holidays with Children
1. Give the gift of time. Your time and attention are much more important to your child(ren) than lavish gifts. Give yourself to your child(ren).
2. Don’t promise what you can’t do or produce.
3. Involve your children in the development and planning of new and inclusive traditions.
4. Don’t over-pack your schedule. Arrange for some “down time” so children can rest, play alone, or spend quiet time with you.
Dealing with Divorce, Conflict and Change
Family plans are inevitably complicated by divorce, separation and/or remarriage; and a child may feel sad when people around them are happy.
1. Discuss holiday plans well in advance. Any holiday can be celebrated before, during or after the actual date. Include your children in the planning process. They need some degree of control and predictability. Communicate and coordinate with your child(ren)'s other parent. Work out where your children will be and how exchanges will take place.
2. You can post the same calendar on the refrigerator of both parents’ homes. Children can use different coloured stickers on the calendar to differentiate between the different households.
3. Encourage children to enjoy themselves with their other parent. They may feel guilty to do so, especially if you are left alone. Let children know that you have plans while they are gone, so your child does not have to worry about you.
4. Don’t try to compensate for an absent family member with many extra gifts.
For the full list of holiday tips, please visit: www.ryerson.ca/news/media/spotlight/holiday2009
Experts available for interviews: Patrizia Albanese Associate Professor, Department of Sociology
Dr. Candice MonsonAssociate Professor, Department of Psychology Director of Clinical Training
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