Ten tips to help your child through the crisis of divorce
FAIRFIELD, Conn. - A study conducted in California reported that children of divorce are more prone to alcohol and substance abuse problems and do less well academically and in society in general. Judith Primavera, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Fairfield University in Connecticut who has conducted research on children of divorce, says that divorce is only one of many stressful life events that can impact children and the key is to provide them with the right coping mechanisms.
Following are her ten tips to help children adjust and become stronger individuals when their parents break up:
1. Minimize hostility. Hostility within the family, not the divorce per se, is one of the strongest predictors of child maladjustment. Keep the child out of the line of fire.
2. Be honest with your child. An "everything's o.k." false front sends the message that feelings are not to be discussed. It's o.k. to tell your child that you are angry, sad, scared, etc. and that you wished things were different too. Your honesty and openness, without unnecessary hostility, gives your child permission to talk about his or her own feelings.
3. Don't use your child as a pawn. Children should not be expected to choose sides or act as private investigators to "get dirt" on the other parent. They are not a commodity to be bartered for or withheld as punishment to the ex-spouse. Don't use children to "tell your mother" or "tell your father," a routine that essentially asks them to fight the adults' battle for them.
4. Keep your child's life and routine as consistent as possible. Children need structure and predictability. What is important will vary from family to family, but the important thing is to avoid complete chaos without any consistent bedtimes, mealtimes, care taking arrangements, etc.
5. Assure your child of your love. Sounds obvious, but children need to be reassured; divorce changes adult relationships, not parent-child relationships.
6. Listen to your child. Too often adults assume that children view divorce as they do. Ask your child what he/she thinks a divorce is; whether any friends or classmates have parents who are divorced; what things are of concern. Sometimes a child's main worry (at least for the time being) might be who will make her/his lunch for school every day. Very young children often worry most about practical day-to-day concerns.
7. Assure your child that everything will be o.k. Things may be DIFFERENT, but let your child know you will work it out together.
8. Spend quality time with your child. As overburdened as you may feel, set aside a time each day to connect emotionally with your child, find out what happened that day and find something to praise her/him about. Try to avoid the "Disney World" trap of trying to squeeze a lifetime of exciting activity into a weekend visit. Remember children need to respect the rules of the custodial home; visits should not be a "free for all."
9. Find appropriate social support for your child. It takes a village to raise a child whether it is from a divorced family or a two-parent family. Surround your child with people who love and care for her/him.
10. Find adult social support for yourself. Children should not be used as adult confidants, surrogate spouses, etc. Treat your child like a child.
Dr. Primavera is a clinical psychologist who has supervised a child abuse prevention program and been a consultant to the State of Connecticut Department of Children and Youth Services. She specializes in stress and coping among children and adolescents. Her research and published works on children of divorce have appeared in the "American Journal of Orthopsychiatry," "Journal of Divorce," "Journal of Child Clinical Psychology," and "Professional Psychology."
Dr. Primavera is a graduate of Mount Holyoke College with an M.S. and Ph.D. from Yale University where she was a Prize Teaching Fellow and conducted research with Robert D. Felner Ph.D. on stress, coping and divorce.
To arrange an interview with Dr. Primavera, please call 203-254-4000, ext. 2647, or e-mail [email protected] or [email protected]
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