Newswise — Thousands of high school seniors will soon begin the most important transition of their young lives when they leave home for college. Somewhere between buying bedspreads for their dorm rooms and packing their laptops, parents should make time for a serious talk with their children, says April Stein, psychologist and director of The Menninger Clinic's Compas Psychiatric and Addictions Program for young adults having difficulty transitioning from adolescence to adulthood.
"The world is maturing at a fast clip, but the move from high school to college is still a major transition, even for teens who are well adapted," Dr. Stein says. "College is likely to be the first time they will be making decisions on their own."
But what does your child need to know before he or she leaves, and how do you set limits without squelching your child's newfound freedom?
Instead of telling your child what he or she should or shouldn't do, communicate your own experiences and fears from your college days, Dr. Stein explains. This approach can open the door for your child to talk about his own fears. It also will give your child permission to be less than perfect in his new world.
"Whatever you do, don't ignore issues," Dr. Stein adds. "Your kids will think they can't talk about them. If you haven't talked about safe sex or drugs and alcohol, you're being naïve. Do it now. Discuss how your child might handle these concerns because they will come up if they haven't already."
At the same time, you must set clear guidelines, Dr. Stein says. Take money, for instance. Will your child get whatever money he or she requests or receive an allowance? If so, how much? What will you expect the money to cover? Books and fees? Clothes? An occasional pizza? What about the credit cards so easily available to college students? If your child runs out of money, then what?
Grades are another issue. Do you expect a B average? Your child needs to know, Dr. Stein explains. Also keep in mind that college should be a time to experiment. Your child might start in premed, but encourage your child to take a class like poetry. College is the last time to explore various careers and interests.
Visits home can cause hurt feelings if guidelines aren't set, Dr. Stein said. Some college students see home as a quick stop between visits with high school friends, while you're left with only a bulging laundry bag.
If you feel ignored and disappointed, help your child understand your feelings, she says. Tell child you've missed him and that you really want him home for meals"or whatever you expect"while your child is in town.
Finally, no matter what the issue, tell your child that if there's a problem in college, the time to renegotiate is before it gets out of hand. Think your child won't listen to you? Not true, says Dr. Stein.
"Kids want to hear you, even though they pretend they don't," she says.
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