Newswise — Many parents dread that moment when they need to have “The Talk” about sex with their teens. For the New Year, Wake Forest University psychology professor Andrew Smiler suggests parents resolve to start an ongoing conversation about relationships and sexuality long before their children reach double digits.
“We need to get away from the idea that we can cover everything we need in one conversation,” says Smiler, who is the author of the book, Challenging Casanova: Beyond the Stereotype of the Promiscuous Young Male, and has completed groundbreaking research on teenage and young adult sexual behavior. “Parents expect to talk to their kids repeatedly about friendship, how to manage money, and educational and career goals. A topic as important as healthy sexuality also needs that kind of repeated attention.”
Smiler offers five tips for parents:
Start talking to younger children. When your six year old asks questions about the birds and the bees, give him or her age-appropriate answers. They are old enough to understand living things reproduce and understand simple explanations. This will build a good foundation for ongoing communication later.
Don’t wait until middle school. Waiting until middle school to begin a conversation about sexuality is simply too late. By then, many children have found other sources of information…including online pornography.
Talk to boys as much as girls. Parents who may talk with teenage daughters about romantic relationships and issues related to sexuality sometimes overlook the fact that boys need opportunities to talk, too. Parents can help challenge stereotypes, including the commonly accepted idea that all boys want to be “players.”
Don’t let TV do the talking. An analysis of the television shows most favored by children and adolescents in 1992 showed that 1 in 4 conversations addressed some aspect of sexuality. Twenty years later, the sexual content has certainly increased. Parents can use TV shows as conversation starters, but the Hollywood messages need to be balanced with input from parents.
Conversations don’t always need to be directly about sex. Some parents are so intimidated by the idea of talking about sex, they don’t talk about other important related subjects. Parents can talk about what makes a good friend or coach or boss and then connect that to discussions about what makes a good dating partner or spouse.
Keep this New Year’s resolution, Smiler says.
“Parents who don’t have conversations with their children about sex aren’t protecting their kids,” he says. “They’re setting them up for unnecessary questioning and confusion.”
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